Many clients share their journey and their experience with Dr. Rita in hope that you can also find help in overcoming whatever you may be facing. The following is chronicle of the journey of one couple. Please check the dropdown menu above for more true stories and a few analogies that Dr. Rita uses.
Tom and Mary are sitting on opposite ends of a see-saw trying to get it to move. Tom tries to push up on his side of the see saw and expects Mary to give the same effort. Every time Tom puts in a little effort, he wants Mary to put in the same amount of effort. If Mary does not put in the same effort, Tom will complain that he is the only one that is trying and that Mary is not doing anything. As long as Tom keep urging Mary to put the same effort on the board, Tom is sitting on the ground and Mary is dangling in the air. Neither one of them have fun because the see saw is not moving up and down.Tom finally decides to keep working hard to increase the motion from his side of the board, and, eventually the board is moving freely and they both have an enjoyable time....
Husband -wife relationships, parent-child relationship.
When a couple is having problems with their relationship, one of the partners often complains that he or she is the only one that is doing all the work in the marriage. If they are doing a good deed for their spouse, they expect the partner to return the favor to him/her. Neither one of them are willing to give unless the other partner is willing to put in the same effort. Unless one of them is willing to give sacrificially, the battle goes on. If one of them gives without expecting anything in return, eventually the relationship will start to move forward. The receiving partner may even be touched by the giving partner’s love. In a couple’s relationship, if both partners exercise this kind of giving attitude with no expectation from the other partner, the relationship becomes very safe. There is no reason why the relationship will not grow deeper.
The same principle applies to the emotional closeness between a parent and a child. When a parent gives his/her child affection only if the child meets his expectations, the child will always feel insecure about the parent’s love. The child will worry and feel parental acceptance is conditional and based on performance. It creates a gap in their relationship. On the other hand, if a parent is willing to love the child unconditionally without expecting anything in return, the child will feel very safe and secure that he/she is able to share positive or negative feelings and thoughts with parent.
The child knows that he/she is loved even though he/she might have misbehaved at time. This security is going to bring their relationship closer together and develop a lifetime bond.